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People Explain Why Having a Threesome is a Boring & Bad Idea

A new study was conducted on threesomes. I was naturally excited to read an academic analysis of this classically exotic sexual experience, but imagine my surprise to find that the study actually seems boring. “There has been little research on threesomes,” the authors began, before ironically demonstrating why.

After summarizing their less-than-compelling findings, the researchers state that their “results suggest that young people are not judgmental about others engaging in [threesomes] but are not highly motivated to do so themselves,” which is possibly too boring to put in print.

So, I decided to do a study of my own, to find out if anyone even likes threesomes anymore. As I set out to do my reporting, one of my colleagues told me that a psychic once told her never to have a threesome again until she dies, which helped to establish a nice tone for this article.

“I find the emotional and physical aspects of sex with one person to be complex enough,” said Kyle*, a 53-year-old man I met on the internet. He has never had a threesome, but told me that he thinks “two people would be way too taxing” to deal with in a sexual context: “Not a multi-tasker, I guess.” Worse than that, the very concept of a threesome is simply not arousing to him. “They just seem complicated and too emotionally diffuse,” he said. “If I’m with somebody I really want to be with that person”

Other people have actually had threesomes and, guess what, they don’t like them either. One such individual has had several threesomes and told me that all but two of them were total shit. “If there was non-sexual connection first, it worked,” said Ashley, a 29-year-old transgender woman. When I think of threesomes, I think of couples who find a willing third from their friends list or some dating app—but this is exactly the scenario that Ashley says sucks.

“If there was only really connection with two of the three and a third was ‘brought in’ for sexual purposes, it was generally not as great,” she explained. Threesomes only worked for her “when the focus was to extend love and connection between three that [already existed].” Ashley was rather generous with the tired triad, but it wasn’t long before I found someone who hates the threesome far more: “I find them boring and grossss!” cried Samantha, a 25-year-old trans woman.

“I find sex to be gross in general, don’t get me wrong,” Samantha continued, affirming what we at Broadly know to be true: Sex is bad. The threesome, however, is especially disgusting. “I feel like they are boring because there is only so much a human body can comfortably take before being overwhelmed by the act at hand,” she said.

“One person always has to play a supportive role while two people are able to participate more actively,” Samantha explained. While two people in a threesome will inevitably be making out or fucking, the third is destined to lick on thighs or clench errant arms in hopes to capture some attention. “I personally am no fan,” Samantha repeated.

“Besides being potentially knocked off the bed and left out, breaking the bed, and the dynamics of two servicing one… someone is left stuck making coffee or breakfast or cleaning up the mess the next morning,” said Bastion, a 37-year-old man. “Hate threesomes!” he exclaimed in horror. “Every threesome I’ve had was a disaster.”

Bastion raised an excellent point: If you are the third called into a couple’s bedroom, “you become a catalyst for the issues, their sex issues, or just general issues they already have in their relationship.” This is not very fun, he said, nor is it conducive to enjoyable sexual experiences. “You either become an ally to each of them respectively, or an ally to one and a threat to the other.” Both of those options sounds really scary, but Bastion has gone through something even more terrifying. “In most of my experience, [I became] a threat to both [partners] and received the brunt of their fury from being accused being a home-wrecker, a slut, or a general invasive piece of shit.”

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